You know all those people urging you to be happy under any circumstances? Do them one better: Take steps to cultivate a more meaningful existence instead. That means tapping into how you’re really feeling: good, bad, or all mixed up. This peek into our new book, Embrace Your Emotions, will help you do just that, with “Aha!” advice (and, once you crack the book itself, thoughtful writing prompts). Get ready to grow.
True Colors
Discussing our true feelings can be daunting—we risk being judged or worry that we will come across as burdensome. When a friend asks, “How are you?” we often answer “I’m fine” when in fact we are feeling anything but.
Take a moment right now to check in with yourself.
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How are you? Chances are your answer is “OK, I guess,” “Blah,” or—most likely—“Hmm, I don’t know.” Most of us ignore our emotions unless they are absolutely screaming. The chatter of our busy brains or the distraction of an endless to-do list often drowns out our feelings. When we do tune in to them, we may struggle to put into words how we feel or judge ourselves harshly for having the “wrong” emotions: I’m so petty to feel envious of my best friend!
ILLUSTRATION BY JESSI BLACKHAM
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Adding to the confusion: The current culture of toxic positivity (Good vibes only!) views some of our emotions as unacceptable. Grief, regret, and disappointment are seen as signs that something is wrong and needs fixing, unnecessary detours along our rightful path to constant joy. “There is pressure to think, I have so much to feel grateful for—I don’t have the right to be sad,” says therapist Whitney Goodman, author of Toxic Positivity: Keeping It Real in a World Obsessed With Being Happy. “But denying your feelings creates inner turmoil and shame that keeps you stuck.” In fact, all of our emotions—the good, the bad, and the ugly—can be powerful sources of wisdom and insight if we learn to attend to them. A new field of research into “emodiversity”has led to intriguing insights. For example, a groundbreaking study of more than 37,000 subjects found that people who reported experiencing a wide variety of emotions in their daily lives were physically and mentally healthier compared with those who could cite only a few feelings.
“Emotions are messengers. Even the ones that we don’t like are trying to let us know something about what we need. If we ignore those messages, it will impact our relationships, our sleep, and our productivity,” explains Charryse Johnson, Ph.D., L.C.M.H.C., founder of Jade Integrative Counseling and Wellness.
The good news is that understanding and managing our feelings are skills we can all get better at. Emotions come in as many shades as are in an enormous crayon box, and they give life its vivid richness. The expert tips and thought-provoking prompts in Embrace Your Emotions are based on the latest research into the growing field of emotional intelligence.
Having Mixed Emotions Is Totally Normal!
Though they rarely make Instagram highlight reels, uncomfortable feelings are often part of even happy times like vacations, holidays, and graduations. Simply acknowledging this tension can help defuse it. For example, weddings are full of joy and celebration, but other emotions—sadness, exhaustion, anxiety—are likely part of the picture too.
Understanding that it’s natural to have a mix of feelings even on “happy” occasions means you won’t be blindsided or declare the experience totally ruined when you have a negative emotion. That will make you more open to the positives as well.
The Real You
A clear sense of your values can act as a guiding light, steadying you so you can handle emotional bumps along the path and leading you toward what is most important to you. “You can become your most authentic self. You don’t have to be happy and cheerful and joyful all the time,” says Kathy HoganBruen, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and founder of the District Anxiety Center in Washington, D.C. It’s about identifying what really matters to you.
